Skip to main content

The silence kills me

This week has been crazy, I’ve lost my relationship with my sister. My granny is in the hospital😓
 I’ve also been given the opportunity to help homeless students all around Texas but it’s forcing me to go back into the dark days of my childhood and high school years. I don’t talk about the fact that I was homeless from the age of 13-17, because then I’ll have to accept the fact that my mother really didn’t love me.



The silence kills me 
In a time of healing where quiet work is done, I’m drowning inside the silence.

The feeling of being so close to someone but never being able to speak.
A whirlwind of emotions swirling around me 
I’m caged into the inner expression of my childhood. Past, present, future... will they soon meet? 
Rejection: the silent pain of I’m not good enough for them, how could there be a champion in me.
Make the world stand still beneath my feet. So I can see where I fell short of loves company 
Childhood Trauma 
,” Mama why won’t you speak”? She is silent, cold and alarming..
Why won’t you look at me?
My eyes that belong to my father weren’t worth seeing.
How she suddenly made my existence; extinct. inside those brick walls I COULDN’T SPEAK! 
Only room to breath,sleep and if I’m lucky..eat. 
 Man the silence kills me. 

How many books I read full of fantasy. Hunger games, Maya Angelou , and the the whole twilight series. Analyzing and dreaming of what a mother’s love should be.
Maya took her son to the Congo and said it was some sight to see.
Rue’s parents held each other closely as   Their little girl stopped breathing slowly 
Bella’s mom flew across country to tend to her child’s need 
And my mother sits by the window day in and day out silently. Only speaking to a select few vibrantly. Leaving me to ask myself daily what’s wrong with me? 

Why don’t I deserve to hear the vibration of your voice break off a , “have a good day”
  • Why don’t I deserve the warmth of your motherly embrace.
How could I ever I learn to love without any knowledge of it in the first place..
I can Mimic it but can it replicated ?


Comments

The Help

My BLACK IS

My black is beautiful. My black is powerful. My black is intellectual and spiritual.  My black is white, brown, green, yellow, and purple. My black Is universal; a movement to the moon.  My black is a song: a rhythmic blues. My black is strong and unapologetic. My black is love and hate tied bitterly sweet. My black is pleasurably pain. My black is momentum, my black is silently pleasant and loudly intolerable. My black is deep like blue and curvy like spoons. My black is still water and moving tides. My black is closely and remotely Beautiful.

False Prophet

  False Prophet He speaks words full of fire thats strong enough to burn the soul.  Tongue filled with promises that turns any woman’s cold heart into gold. I am a God! King of kings and upon the flick of my fingers you will be cursed fool!  Weep at the bend of my knees, you as a woman should shower me! Fulfill my desires and expect no Loyalty from me the Unholy God of Kings of Kings. False Prophet cant you see, my soul can not be altered by man whose flesh ages and bleeds. I am a Queen made from the father of land. Coil me in dirt and see my true skin.  Wrench the water of Poseidon from out of me down your legs and turn back into the weakened flesh that binds you to sin. Open your eyes and see the breath of life in my air! The reigns of passion boiling in my heart and the 3rd eye between my brows that causes you to turn away from me. Be aware of your played out interactions, selfish satisfaction and the unsolicited grievance you bring onto yourself. Look at the beautiful black Queens

Im Not Supposed to Think Of You

I wonder if you know how true I could be to you You just don’t know how you freed me I am no longer imprisoned in my head Every day I challenge my mind and try to do away with wasteful thinking but... I’m not supposed think of you Slow, long kisses those are my favorite. When your lips touch mines a million stars start to shine. I can’t help but think do you feel like it’s that amazing?   I catch a glimpse of you, head tilted, hands gripping my thighs, so much passion through those glasses. Those soft lips and gorgeous brown eyes.   I feel your energy clashing with mines. Your sensuality with my sexuality it’s a match that can’t be denied.   When we entwine we send the heavens shaking disrupting the angel’s peace. I wish I could keep you with me   But I’m not supposed to think of you It’s not just the intimacy that I’m attracted too, it’s that big beautiful brain that blows me away. Something about the knowledge you keep that has me wanting more and more of yo