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The silence kills me

This week has been crazy, I’ve lost my relationship with my sister. My granny is in the hospital😓
 I’ve also been given the opportunity to help homeless students all around Texas but it’s forcing me to go back into the dark days of my childhood and high school years. I don’t talk about the fact that I was homeless from the age of 13-17, because then I’ll have to accept the fact that my mother really didn’t love me.

The silence kills me 
In a time of healing where quiet work is done, I’m drowning inside the silence.

The feeling of being so close to someone but never being able to speak.
A whirlwind of emotions swirling around me 
I’m caged into the inner expression of my childhood. Past, present, future... will they soon meet? 
Rejection: the silent pain of I’m not good enough for them, how could there be a champion in me.
Make the world stand still beneath my feet. So I can see where I fell short of loves company 
Childhood Trauma 
,” Mama why won’t you speak”? She is silent, cold and alarming..
Why won’t you look at me?
My eyes that belong to my father weren’t worth seeing.
How she suddenly made my existence; extinct. inside those brick walls I COULDN’T SPEAK! 
Only room to breath,sleep and if I’m 
 Man the silence kills me. 

How many books I read full of fantasy. Hunger games, Maya Angelou , and the the whole twilight series. Analyzing and dreaming of what a mother’s love should be.
Maya took her son to the Congo and said it was some sight to see.
Rue’s parents held each other closely as   Their little girl stopped breathing slowly 
Bella’s mom flew across country to tend to her child’s need 
And my mother sits by the window day in and day out silently. Only speaking to a select few vibrantly. Leaving me to ask myself daily what’s wrong with me? 

Why don’t I deserve to hear the vibration of your voice break off a , “have a good day”
  • Why don’t I deserve the warmth of your motherly embrace.
How could I ever I learn to love without any knowledge of it in the first place..
I can Mimic it but can it replicated ?


The Help

Pretty Little Lies

You say you want me to be yours with my soul undressed and heart fully exposed. But you ridicule me  for wanting your love. Why are the most charming men Hoes? Don't play with my heart with those pretty little lies.  Those head rubs and mischief hands all around my thighs. Don't tell me that was all you wanted, When we were up all night laughing and fucking. This Misogynist bullshit throws good women off their focus. Dont blind side me with those big ugly lies. You say I was just good enough for a quickie and I have a brain the size of a pumpkin seed. You say Im worthless and a big mouth girl is inappropriate. I'm overcalling and over texting I'm becoming impulsive. I'm losing control because I know this person your describing is not the true description of me.  Fuck I need to breath. I had to breath in an out and tell myself that those characteristics are apart of my wounded skin. The skin that you relentlessly  wont let me shed.  I am


He felt like home. Like grandpa’s hugs and granny’s kisses. Like a  school bus ride home, and  evening sunsets. Like afternoon Lunch with your Best-friends. He felt like home. Arms with an instant ease of peace, chocolate lips And a grin so sweet. He felt like ice cream on a summers day. He felt like a sunshine ray , and a Shooting stars runaway. He felt like home He felt like  Twilight, New Moon, and Breaking Dawn. He was was as high as the sky  and as bright as Nebula. He felt like why have I never felt this way before? He felt like a shower after a long day at work, like back-rubs And bath bomb soap . He felt like India’s Aries “Brown skin…  I can’t tell where mines is and where yours begins”. He felt like hopes redeeming  and pains end. He felt like home. Of course felt is past tense. But it’s still memorizing to dream of who we used to be. The trauma that can Happen when direct and in-direct meet. Like I’m saying things I don’t mean Because you act a certai


  We twisted those beautiful moments with bitter words and shattered our reflection. Neither you or I can justify the war between 2 beautiful brains   We took those precious memories, and stomped out any light left in a deferred dream. Can you tell me the reason for our season? What lesson did we teach each-other that we haven’t already seen? Was I not humble enough of a women did you not accept my apologies. Do I frighten you? Are you afraid if you gave me your best shot, I wouldn’t shoot back?  It would have been better for me to turn down my intensity. I used to wish there was a way for me to tone it down, but I know now that it wouldn’t really be me.  To not question your intentions or the reason why you raise your voice at me. To listen, to watch, to feel so Carefully.    To question all things that come my way. It wouldn’t be me to be so care-free. I wanted to stand by you because I seen you searching for placement and your heart was aching from always being on your sleeve. I see