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The silence kills me

This week has been crazy, I’ve lost my relationship with my sister. My granny is in the hospital😓
 I’ve also been given the opportunity to help homeless students all around Texas but it’s forcing me to go back into the dark days of my childhood and high school years. I don’t talk about the fact that I was homeless from the age of 13-17, because then I’ll have to accept the fact that my mother really didn’t love me.

The silence kills me 
In a time of healing where quiet work is done, I’m drowning inside the silence.

The feeling of being so close to someone but never being able to speak.
A whirlwind of emotions swirling around me 
I’m caged into the inner expression of my childhood. Past, present, future... will they soon meet? 
Rejection: the silent pain of I’m not good enough for them, how could there be a champion in me.
Make the world stand still beneath my feet. So I can see where I fell short of loves company 
Childhood Trauma 
,” Mama why won’t you speak”? She is silent, cold and alarming..
Why won’t you look at me?
My eyes that belong to my father weren’t worth seeing.
How she suddenly made my existence; extinct. inside those brick walls I COULDN’T SPEAK! 
Only room to breath,sleep and if I’m 
 Man the silence kills me. 

How many books I read full of fantasy. Hunger games, Maya Angelou , and the the whole twilight series. Analyzing and dreaming of what a mother’s love should be.
Maya took her son to the Congo and said it was some sight to see.
Rue’s parents held each other closely as   Their little girl stopped breathing slowly 
Bella’s mom flew across country to tend to her child’s need 
And my mother sits by the window day in and day out silently. Only speaking to a select few vibrantly. Leaving me to ask myself daily what’s wrong with me? 

Why don’t I deserve to hear the vibration of your voice break off a , “have a good day”
  • Why don’t I deserve the warmth of your motherly embrace.
How could I ever I learn to love without any knowledge of it in the first place..
I can Mimic it but can it replicated ?


The Help

Soul Dancing Unapolgetically

 I have been too fearful of my own potential, my own strengths and my own voice. I let my broken pieces define me and became content with being a mess.  Is everyone this hard on themselves or am I too rigid to see that my flaws are human, nothing less. That my pain is identifiable that my fears are shackles of the brain, and my potential is undeniable.  Where did I learn to self-hate? Who can I truly Blame for such an ugly pattern of I’m not happy to wake up and see my own face.  I get so stuck in my misery that I block out the whole world until I feel like myself  again.   It takes too much energy to dwell in the past, and even more to pass around smiles that are fake.  I find myself disconnecting from my core, and I see only the masquerade I bore. It gets dark, so dark when you’re an empath who can feel to the depths of ones soul.  I will take on all the negative energy but in hopes that something nurturing can be reborn.  They say don’t let anyone throw that on you and I won’t anymo

Belong To Me

 I am comfortable with the fact that no one belongs to me. It makes the challenge for love so much more sweet. The idea that someone is with you because they choose to be, is what makes it honorable even through those moments of misery.  I love, love, but can be complacent in such a fantasied daydream. I fight wars within myself to pull me back down to what I find as a rude awakening .  Some will find it odd that with all I have been through I still have the will to be so optimistic on a world that's shown me, the crooked and exposed me to some of mankind's ugliest ways. There aren't very many people who fearlessly  dream, tirelessly believe, or know how to balance transparency. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Belong to me because you want too. Wear my love like armor every where you go.  Choose me because its frees you, don't break my heart because it will always be yours. Be

Scars of the Empath

 Can someone tell me how to get rid of these soul ties? "I'm so tired of being alone, I'm so tired of on-my-own" Feeling all like Al Green. The exchange of many men's dark disreputable energy for my high hungered spirit. Trapped in a daze of, "This wasn't how it was supposed to be" Scars of the empath. A tattoo of twisted misogyny.  The scares of an empath unhealed. Clean cuts so deep that any narc can spot the subtle creases of weakness beneath the surface of the strongest composer. Asking questions like, "Why are  you such a loner? You must of been hurt real bad. "I wont do those things to you, I'm not the men from your past"  Tearing down the walls of security with gentle words and soft cradles in midnight therapy. All to gain the trust of the one you cant wait to see bleed. I bend and break trying to rationalize the way a narcissist think Because I know I gave all I had in me. I placed my heart in the hope of being the women of